Christianeze Deciphered for the Common English Speaker.

One of the more common aspects of Christian Culture that I for the life of me cannot fathom is the secret language and lingo we use. We have this set of sayings that we say to each other as Christians, and we assume that everyone who professes to be a Christian also understands this.  That's one thing if its in Christian and Church only gatherings.  But what is troublesome is that we not only as Christians assume everyone who also professes to be a Christian also professes to understand our lingo, but we assume that EVERY English speaking person, typically American or Canadian, also understands our lingo.  

So we greet people, usually someone who fits the "look" of a Christian, with our lingo and expect them to understand it.  After all, America is a "Christian Nation" we say. Why shouldn't all "God Fearing Americans" understand us? If it were true, all of the populace that is born and lives in the U.S. would be professing Christians.  Apparently, not so much...  While Christianity is a major religion in the U.S., It isn't the only one. 

This presents a problem when trying to communicate with our fellow citizens when we assume that everyone must understand what we say.  

I therefore present to you translations of common Christian sayings in Christianese, the secret language of American Protestant Christianity, for you so that perhaps... We might be able to communicate better. 

We will begin with more common greetings and conversational Christianese.  Much of the conversational Christianese seems to be directed at starting a dialogue about discussing the Christian's faith. We will begin with the saying, and the subsequent Translation. 

"Have you heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ?"

Translation: I've recently experienced a new spiritual epiphany that has given me some insight and comfort.  I would like to share this with you. 

"Have you been saved by Grace?"

Translation: I've had a longstanding revelatory experience exploring my own faith and I'd like to share that with you. 

"Jesus Loves You!" 

Translation: I am attempting to share an insight that I have experienced in my life with you. 

These are often simple either greetings or conversational starters that Christians give.  Some however tend to be a bit strange if you haven't spent a great deal of time with Christians. 

"Would you like to experience the mortification of the flesh?!" 

Translation: I have had a horrific life of vice (probably around Drugs or Alcohol or Porn) and I am ashamed of it.  I have recently decided to no longer pursue that damaging life and I'd like to tell you how you too can experience the same life changing epiphany. 

Some of these sayings can be also downright hurtful. 

"You need to repent of your sins or you'll burn in hell!"

Translation: It has been instilled in my education and conversion that the "God" I am dedicating myself to serve is Vengeful, Insecure, and completely intent on hurting you and ME if you don't turn to my faith.  

Another Possible Translation: I have been told that there is an afterlife full of punishment for people who don't follow the path I'm choosing.  I am attempting to try and keep you from going there because I do care about you. 

The term "Repent" really means "To Turn Away From" a particular path or action.  Often, its one of the "Buzz Words" in Christianese that gets thrown around a lot.  

"Hates" is another one that gets bantered around a lot in Christianese conversation. 

You'll hear "God Hates Homosexuals" (Or Fags depending on how vulgar the circle gets), "God Hates Adulterers", "God Hates Spiders", you get the idea.  Almost EVERY Christian group that currently exists has a pet group that says "God Hates (Insert Item)". 

The Translation:  When I say "God Hates", What I am really saying is that I personally (or my pastor and I by proxy) find that particular practice aesthetically displeasing or disgusting. Therefore, because I HATE IT, my faith must come in line with it so that I don't feel guilty for abusing and lambasting the object of my disgust. 

Christianese isn't always a biblical concept. 

Some more common sayings. 

"Bless their (your) heart". 

Translation: I just recently told a nasty rumor about you to someone else and I am attempting to absolve myself of the guilt of gossiping about you. 

"We are a Christian Nation!" 

Translation:  (Usually found among American Christians) I am very proud of the country I live in and I want to believe that the people who founded my country have the same values I have been brought to to believe. Even if that means ignoring all the other biblical concepts that my savior taught (Feeding the poor, healing the sick, etc.) 

"Talent on loan from God!" 

Translation: I am attempting to pander to a closet market of people who I have no intention of joining myself but am happy to bilk them out of their money and their support. 

"I am ON FIRE for Jesus!"

Translation: I am filled with zeal for the newfound spiritual experience I have had. 

"I am SOLD OUT for God!"

Translation: I am dedicating myself to follow this zeal. 

"Want to come to Bible Study with me?"

Translation: We are having a gathering of people who have just had a new experience of faith and are going to read a passage from our book, The Bible, and discuss it.  We will have no one with any formal training running the gathering and we will each offer our best interpretation of the passage and adopt one of those interpretations as our own.  And we give away cookies. 

"I am filled with the Holy Spirit!" 

Translation: I am filled with zeal but also belong to one or several branches of the Pentecostal Church. 

"I'm going to pray with you." (also "Will you let me pray with you")  

Translation: I have found some comfort in sharing a moment of speaking to my God about my problems with others.  I don't wish to offend you, but I'd like to share some comfort with you in a way that I know helps. 

"I will pray for you!" 

Translation: When uttered to Non-Christians; I don't happen to like the life choices you are making or I don't feel like I can do anything to help you so I'm going to enact an action that I can take the laziest route I can take and still feel like I am doing something positive.  When uttered to other Christians; I don't feel like I can do anything for you, so I'm just going to be lazy and again take an act that will feel like I've done something even when I've not done anything at all. 

"I am giving you up to God." 

Translation: You've hurt me at some point and I'm not going to seek retribution.  Instead, I'm going to pray that God hurts you instead of me. 

"We are going to take back this city in the name of Jesus!" 

Translation: I am filled with a fanatic zeal to do something positive for my community. Even though I have no direction on how to do this. (This can be dangerous)

"We are going to pray for our city!" 

Translation: I am filled with zeal to do something positive, but I am also lazy and therefore will sit back and do nothing. 

But some of the more entertaining sayings come up when Christian or even Non-Christians date Christianese speakers. 

"(Insert Name) has the 'Gift of Singleness'!" 

Translation: He/She doesn't carry the appropriate physical aesthetic characteristics to attract a potential life partner in faith. 

"Are you a Godly Man (Woman)?"  (Often a question proposed before dating)

Translation: Do you possess the ability to speak in the same Christianese dialect that I do, while also appearing to look how I personally think a Christian looks?

"He is a Godly Man (Woman)!"

(Of course he's not a Godly man!  He has tattoos and he has his shirt off!) 

Translation: He or she looks the part of how I picture a Christian to look. A purely arbitrary judgement based on outward appearance and nothing to do with character of the person or whether they actually follow biblical ideals. 

(But only if he's also "HAWT" too!)

Break ups among Christians come with some of the WORST Christianese sayings. 

"You're not a 'Godly' enough man(woman)!"

Translation: I just found out after dating you for a few months that you are an actual human being and capable of making human mistakes.  I need therefore to end this relationship and find someone who appears to have never made any mistakes in their life.  You know, because I'm perfect and deserve someone else who is perfect. 

"I just need to concentrate on my relationship with Jesus"

Translation: I no longer think that this relationship is going to work out so I'm going to end this by saying something that makes me look VERY pious and makes you look like a heathen douche canoe. 

"I just need to guard my heart."

Translation: I secretly hate and despise you for whatever perceived slight you've given me and therefore I'm going to end this relationship by again, making myself seem pious and making you into the villain. 

Dating in Christian circles also gets strange when one struggles to find a relationship. 

(Translation: I just won't date because no one meets my ideal of perfection.)

"I kissed dating goodbye."

Translation: I genuinely struggle to find a boyfriend/girlfriend that fits my ideal of perfection so rather than continuing to hope, I'm going to embrace a fad doctrine that was invented in the 90's that eventually failed and kept hundreds of thousands of people feeling lonely and unhappy. (See "Gift of Singleness" above)

"Jesus is my boyfriend!"

Translation: I struggle to find anybody who meets my idea of perfection, therefore I'm going to adopt a stance that once again makes me appear perfectly pious and makes others appear inferior. 

One could write VOLUMES of books on the subject of Christianese sayings and what they mean. Most of the translations can be funny or even tragic.  But here are some primers on how to speak Christianese:

Blimey Cow's Take on it here:

http://youtu.be/vFAax4qjTzY

(I lost it at "I love you like a 'Brother in Christ')

Another fun primer on Christianese

http://youtu.be/CvBlJYlGPBo

And finally, speaking English is a good thing. 

http://youtu.be/VMTzze-PGZY

If this post has somehow struck a chord, made you ponder your speech, or made you angry... Good, that's what it's intent was.  

Christians rage about the outward image of perfection.  Some of that includes the speech we use. 

If your tired of religion and buzzwords, maybe its time to dump the culture of Christianity and start re-learning who Jesus was. 

My parting thought, as this young man so eloquently put it, is that the church is NOT a MUSEUM FOR GOOD PEOPLE.  It is a hospital for the broken. 

http://youtu.be/1IAhDGYlpqY

Are tattoos a "Sin"?

 

Being a tattooed Goth and a Christian, I tend to get a lot of questions from both my Non-Christian and my Christian friends about my life and my choices.  Most everyone want's to know how I reconcile the "Satanic" images in the Goth scene with the "Morality" and "Religion" of being a Christian.  

Once we get past the whole "Isn't worshiping Satan a sin to you" which is effectively retorted with "I don't worship Satan and only a few Goths do", the next question I often am confronted with by both Christians and Non-Christians alike is: "Aren't tattoos a sin?"

The bible verse so often thrown in my face and the face of almost every tattoo artist and tattoo lover I know goes as follows:

Leviticus 19:28

From the New International Version: "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." 

From the King James Version: "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD."

From the New American Standard Version: "'You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD."

The conventional thinking is that anything you do to your body is mutilation and mutilation of your body is a "Sin". 

 

I've written several magazine articles on this subject, delivered spoken dissertations, and attempted to correct this thinking among many of my Christian friends. 

The book of Leviticus first and foremost is a series of laws handed down by God to the Hebrew people calling them to live differently than the tribes that neighbored their lands.  As such, it forbids many practices that we modern western minded Americans and Europeans take for granted.  

Eating Pork: Leviticus 11:7, means no bacon or sausage folks.

Eating Shellfish:  Leviticus 11:12, no crab cakes or shrimp fries folks.

Wearing Mixed Fibers: Leviticus 19:19, No cotton/rayon blends folks.  Its a sin!

And this all seems alien to us and yet Americans especially seem content on picking and choosing aspects of Leviticus that we wish to obey.  And demand others to obey.  Gay rights debate anyone?

Let's address something here.  Leviticus was meant as a rule of law for the Hebrew people to live a life differently than the other tribes surrounding them.

The practice of tattooing has been around since before recorded history began. Reasons for their placement have been hotly debated but in archaeological studies, I tend to turn to the Smithsonian. 

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/tattoos-144038580/?page=1

This practice of tattooing was art of placing ink into the skin by tapping a bronze needle into the skin. 

But lets address something else here, the practice Leviticus refers to here is not "tattooing" but instead refers to "Cutting" to print into the flesh.

What this passage is referring to isn't tattooing, its referring to Scarification.  More specifically, ancestral worship scarification.  

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0728_040728_tvtabooscars.html

The ancient practice used meant that lines were cut into the flesh and the ashes of past ancestors were rubbed into the flesh to create an irritation and a scar.  The premise was that by rubbing or inserting the ashes of the ancestor into the skin, you were inviting the spirit of the ancestor into your body. 

The "Sin" wasn't mutilation of the body or adornment, instead it was Necromancy.  Inviting the Ghost of your ancestor into you.  But how would you know if it was your ancestor, or something more malevolent?

Deuteronomy: 18:9-12

"When you come into the land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you. " 

The ritual scarification, in most premises among many tribes, didn't employ the ashes of ancestors.  Per the Nat Geo article, it was often a right of passage that tribe members endured to present themselves as strong.  The practice, much like ancient tattooing, didn't employ the use of a spirit entering the body.  Rather, it was something to be endured.  

Scarification, cutting the flesh, alone isn't a sin.  Scarification with spiritual invitation would be.  Remember, the verse says "Do not cut your flesh as unto the dead."

So, in essence, all body modification we can now cover under the same argument. 

And the Bible reveals people who are scarred and tattooed who are redeemed. 

Acts 10, the whole chapter, is devoted to the notion that a Roman Centurion, a non Hebrew; Can be redeemed by grace.  

Centurions by nature were selected by either the cream of Roman Society to rule over a legion of men, OR they were the best of the best soldiers chosen to rule over a legion of soldiers.  In Acts, its not clear which Cornelius the centurion falls under. 

What we know about him is that he was Uncircumcised, Peter being called to minister to him made a big deal about that.  Prior to the ordeal in Acts 10, it was presumed that only those marked as Abraham's children could follow Christ.  The outsiders, uncircumcised and unclean, could not.

Being a Centurion, he was required to be tattooed as a mark to his pledge to Rome and the mark of his legion.

Being a Centurion, he was ritually scarred in honor to the Gods.

Being a Centurion, he was required to give offerings to pagan Gods. 

And Peter receives a message that he's being required to minister to this unclean man who by Roman law must kill a political leader who defies Ceasar, that being Peter.

In the end, Cornelius receives Salvation and joins the ranks of the Faithful because Peter is told "Do not call unclean what I have made clean."

Tattoo artists are not committing a sin by applying a tattoo.  Body modification artists are not committing a sin by applying a body modification.  One could argue visiting a "Scratcher" might be a sin but really to me its just a waste of your money and promoting a change for infection. 

A "Scratcher" for education purposes is any unlicensed party giving tattoos, personally I hesitate even calling them an "Artist".

If your still considering a tattoo, my open and honest suggestion is to always consult a licensed artist in your area. 

Body modification may not always be up your alley and your cultural aesthetic, but just because you find its not your preference, doesn't make it a "Sin".  It means its something that you just aren't interested in. 

One of my favorite documentaries on the whole pantheon of body modification is the documentary "Modify". 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hd-C0kmLAc

If you get the chance, watch this graphic and amazing documentary covering the full gamut of every possible body mod, it history and its beauty.

But to bring it back to sharp focus, confessed Born Again Christian and Body Modification artist Bear states emphatically that:

"No one should dictate to me what I can or can not do with my Body"

Folks, lets be real.  Tattoos and body modifications have been part of the human equation for as long as humans have existed. We are all trying to feel out who and what we are and what we are doing in this world and we all just want to feel comfortable in our skin. 

It is the researched and presented opinion of this author that Body Mods, Tattoos, are not sins.  Playing with spirits are sins because you do not know that with which you really play with. 

I submit, for an alternate but additional opinion on the subject, Pastor Bob Beeman's dissertation on the subject.  Pastor Bob has been a part of the Christian Heavy Metal scene for as long as it has existed.  A heavily tattooed but genuinely gentle pastor himself, Pastor Bob delivers a great message as well on the subject. 

http://youtu.be/IeakFi9vJW8

A Christian Tattoo Shop titled Devoted Ink: 

http://youtu.be/dt5xZSWG6eg

 

Christian Tattoo Shop and one of the Author's tattoo artists, Positive Ink Tattoos and artist Craig Kennedy in Eugene Oregon:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Positive-Ink-Tattoos/114450268614296

If you still think tattoos are a sin, or body mods in general, feel free to post a comment below and tell me why. Be sure to back it up with Scripture and something OTHER than Leviticus. 

 

Divorcing the marriage of faith and politics.

When I became a Christian at the age of 13, the concept of faith and politics seemed quite polar opposites.  I had a fantastic youth leader and what I thought was a great pastor who believed that the message of God was that we are to lead with an example of love to the people who feel they cannot be loved.  Over the years, I’ve watched my pastors become more and more obsessed with politics and in particular merging Christian faith with Republican Party ideals. 

And I just don’t see it meshing… 

I was taught that Jesus gave his life on the cross for ALL humanity. But my leaders in the early 90’s began taking up the vanguard idea that God CANNOT love the Homosexual and we must therefore oust them through every method we can find. Why? Weren't there people living in Sin the very day Jesus gave his life for them? Did he stop the crucifixion? No!

I left my home church because they brought in Non-Christian people and paid them fifty bucks a day to lobby from the church signatures to put Springfield Oregon’s measure 20-08 on the ballot. The first controversial City Constitution Amendment to declare Homosexuality “abnormal and perverse”.  Were we really so afraid of two men living together that we were desperate enough to hire Non-Christians to impose our will? 

And I know that we are all sick of hearing election posts, but let me touch on this point because I think its currently key to my argument. 

 

Pastors for years taught us in our little Pentecostal world that Mormon’s are not the same thing as Christians.  We had WHOLE production teams we paid with our tithes to make movies and write books about how this church, founded in America by a horse thief and con artist was not the same thing as orthodox Christian faith. 

Here’s an excerpt from The God Makers, a documentary movie about The Latter Day Saints that was circulated all over churches across the country. 

http://youtu.be/IOITKRdW0M4

 

Before my Mormon friends start a tirade on this one, let me address a few issues.  I’ve personally read The Book of Mormon both PRE and POST 1985 “Translation” when the offensive “God cursed black people” reference was removed. I’ve read Doctrines and Covenants; I’ve read Pearl of Great Price.  All of Joseph Smith’s books. I’ve also read Ronald Enroth’s book Kingdom of the Cults and his discussion of the Latter Day Saints is spot on from my own research. 

I have no problems with Mormon’s “Family Values”; I have no problems with Mormon’s “Practice of Faith”.  What I disagree with is the doctrine surrounding the notion that “Another Testament of Jesus Christ” exists and found in the United States of America. Therefore the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith’s vision of Jesus, in my research and opinion, is not the same Jesus I know and serve. 

It’s not that I can’t be friends with Mormons, I do have several, and I just have respectful disagreements.

 

 

What concerns me most this year is the attitude of the party that boasts itself as the vanguard of Christians and Conservatives and Fundamentalists placed its trust for the future of the country in a MORMON BISHOP!  Before Romney was a Governor, he was a Bishop in the Latter Day Saints church. 

 

So let me get this straight… The Republican party trusted its future and its politics in the leader of an institution that for years they have preached was Ungodly? 

And now that he lost the election, we Christians are supposed to moan and complain that the “Christian Candidate” lost? We are supposed to secede from the union because the "Christian" lost and the "Socialist" won.

Can I remind you folks again of The God Makers?

http://youtu.be/gM4imfc-lf8

They made two of these!

I want you to take a moment and think about the dichotomy here.  We are expecting to pay a man who Christians have taught is NOT a Christian to lead a party of Christians to retake the White House and Force this country into line again because the evil socialist Obama has ruined our country.

Do you know what’s ruined this country?  It ain't socialists. What’s ruined this country is that people profess this to be a Christian Nation and we don’t act like it. 

And the best line covering this, came from a comedian.

I realize by posting this, I am probably going to offend a lot of my friends.  Mormons, Conservatives, Christians, and by nature of reposting this on Facebook, probably all of my Atheist and Alternative Faith friends.  But let me go a step further…

Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Right, Left, These are all MAN MADE ideals. I profess that Jesus’ ideals are far and above what any one single political organization professes. I profess that while a Christian can and should be involved with politics; I don’t think our politics should be our faith. 

The greatest example of a political mover as a Christian who was never a politician despite people pushing him to be one, was Dr. Martin Luther King. 

This man, a pastor, felt that the issue of Civil Rights was a struggle that every believer should stand behind.  Sadly, in his era, few Churches outside of the African American churches initially joined his cause. Apparently many still felt that they had their own church and they had their place and they should stay in it.  Determined, Dr. King rose up and made the struggle of the African American the struggle of the American. 

I am now therefore taking a page out of his playbook.  I’m Native American, A Goth, a Poor Man, a Snake Keeper, and a Pentecostal.  I am everything that neither the conservatives nor liberals want for one reason or another.  I am therefore divorcing my faith from my political party (as if I had one).  I am divorcing my faith from the image of anything OTHER than Jesus.  No leader in politics will take his place in my mind.  No media mogul, no rich and vitriolic gas bag, no televangelist, will take the place of Jesus in my life. 

And if pursuing Jesus above political party offends you, if pursuing his example of living above pounding people into submission offends you.  Then I pray God blesses you and gives you what you need.