Learning to trust God. Again...

I am a man of many flaws. I know deep down just how fractured this soul is, right down to the core of its very being. I have been a participant in many great and many… Many… Terrible things.

But in each and every instance of genuine tragedy I have been brought back to the conclusion that I can trust God and he will provide.

I have many great friends of many different faiths and all of them have asked me “How do you know God exists?” I usually tell them about my best friend.

Years ago, shortly before my eighteenth birthday, our family experienced a major tragedy. My uncle had decided to end his life. His death, and the depression surrounding it, broke us all apart. It was the first time in a long time I had felt the cloud of genuine depression cover my very being. Usually it hits me right about the point where Christmas lights go up on store shelves in September. (No seriously, Fred Meyer had them up this year just after Labor Day!)

I became consumed by the overwhelming sadness of his loss and the hopelessness that drove out his light. It almost consumed mine. There I sat in my room, holding an X-Acto knife to my wrist. Just before the plunge… I get a knock on my bedroom door. “Tony’s on the phone!” “Dude, I just felt like God was telling me to call you. Are you ok?!”

“No dude… Come get me.” I said.

We talked… I went back and had a very difficult conversation with my mother and father about the mess and my friend stood by me.

That would have been one thing… A minor incident that could have been easily dismissed.

However, a few years later I sat in the basement of my Inlaws house where I was living. I felt trapped in the state of Idaho where people hated (literally) my very existence for daring to be something more than a redneck douche bag. I had little hours in my job, no transportation save but our one car my then wife and I shared to transport us both across the state to work. I knew somehow that our marriage was failing, knew that my life wasn’t going any further in this house we lived in.

So I got out my Father-In-Laws small pistol, I loaded it, cocked it, and stuck it between my lips. Gun oil tastes horrible. Death tastes horrible. And yet… There was a ring on our phone.

“Hey man, you won’t believe this! I’m in a fire fight in the middle of Bosnia and I felt the need to call you!”

My best friend had enlisted in the Army and was stationed as a mechanic in Bosnia. His base was under attack, I could hear mortars going off in the background. He to this day swears he doesn’t remember this conversation, but he talked me down once again. I put the gun back in its case and pushed the drawer back in.

You see dear reader; I know God exists because he puts people in our lives to remind us how important we are.

And yet despite all this, despite all God has done to keep me alive through my depressing times, I still admit that I struggle in trusting him.

I’m going through a phase in my life once again where I am trusting on God’s Provision for everything I need. He has already seen fit to give me a lot already.

He has provided:

Funding for me to go back to school.

A roof over my head to sleep under.

A running car.

Food in my fridge.

A large stack of movies for my entertainment.

Furniture for me to sit on.

A warm bed to lay my head.

Treasures I have earned from passing my classes.

This computer I am typing on.

My cell phone to keep in contact with you all.

Warm (and somewhat stylish) clothes on my back.

Boots on my feet.

Money to pay my bills and provide for my daughter.

And the list could go on. When I moved in to this apartment, I knew that I was being provided for. I am trusting God to keep that up and I am reminding myself daily just how blessed I really am.

An ungrateful child might look at the blessing I was given and call it “dirty” or “seedy” or “disgusting”. I would be indeed spoiled if I stamped my foot over my ugly brown tweed couch and exclaim “That’s gross dad!” But here I sit rather contentedly knowing this was a gift from my father in heaven to rest my rather weary soul. It’s been host to many a good nap too.

I wrote a rather tongue in cheek letter to my Lord telling him about the Woman I pray he provides me with. I am trusting he does the same for my future job, my career, my life, and my daughter’s life.

God has seen me through some of the darkest times in my life. He has given me the treasure of some of the greatest friends in the world. I am resting assured he will carry me through for the rest of my days.

Music in my head:

Hold me Jesus by Rich Mullins

http://youtu.be/d9T3tL5U67w

"Does God love the Homosexual?"

I’d like to take this moment to address a sub issue of my earlier blog on forgiveness to address one of the constant issues I still see tearing the church and the country apart. That is the issue of accepting Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender people.

Down through the years, I as a young Christian have been BOMBARDED with conservative rhetoric that teaches everything from outright hatred of homosexuality and any and all alternative lifestyle people to the notion that if we simply pray hard enough that the demon that possesses them will simply be “bound” and that they will be free.

I’ve discovered in what I refer to now as my “Old Age” that God neither hates alternative lifestyle people nor do I believe in a “momentary demonic entity” that possesses them to seek out what they do. They are simply humans, loving created in the image of God just as every other human is.

Christians are face slammed with scripture daily taken out of context and used to bludgeon us over the head to support a political agenda, an agenda of personal vendetta, or just to justify a personal prejudice. “Oh but Little Bill, the bible is clear about homosexuality!” “Look at Leviticus!”

Let me at this point begin to divulge my commentary if you will on the espoused notions of the conservative church culture.

Leviticus is a book of the bible given by God to Moses to give to the Hebrew people ONLY. It is the guiding rule of law for the Hebrew people to live a life different than that of the surrounding tribes and be an example to the world. The commands of Leviticus, in order to live a Godly life in a Jewish household, must be upheld in its TOTALLITY! We if we choose to follow the Levite laws that means first… Every male convert MUST be re-circumcised. We must do away with every unclean thing in our house, all unclean food, clothing, and items that have every even touched an unclean thing. We cannot perform any act that would make us unclean or… We are to be put to death so as to not infect the rest of the tribe. This… as some of you might recall… Includes eating pork: No pepperoni pizza, no hot dogs, no pork loin sandwiches, no breakfast sausage, and no bacon. No eating shellfish: No shrimp, no clams, no nothing. No shaving your beard: it is a treasure by God to man. No wearing a mixed fiber shirt or coat: No cotton rayon mix, no wool cotton mix. No cheeseburgers, you cannot serve flesh in the milk of its mother. All of these things are “Abominations to the Lord” according to the Levite laws.

Christians however like to flaunt the grace we have by attempting to pick and choose the old laws we wish to follow or not. We also like to think we have a right to legislate these laws on everyone even when we don’t choose to follow them all either.

Obviously in my prior blog I said God forgives all sin, then I am willing to adamantly stand on the notion that God forgives LBGT people too.

And here’s my reasoning why.

Acts 10 is a key inspirational passage to me on several levels. First and foremost, it is the foundation of the church reaching out to Non-Jewish people (because it was still thought to be solely a Jewish movement up to that point) and the first person they accept is a Roman Centurion.

In this passage, Cornelius is studying the Hebrew Scriptures for something more meaningful than what the temple God’s of Rome or Greece offer him. He is a man of high station with legions of soldiers under him. He has either earned his position fighting through the ranks of the Roman army or was born into a military family and was bestowed the rank when he came of age. I have pretty good feelings that it was the former.

A Roman centurion had certain obligations. Namely, that he was to train men under him and that included demanding sexual favors of the younger men under him. He would have been required to give tithe to the temple God’s of Rome as part of his station and this meant more than likely that he was engaged in acts of temple prostitution where in you were sometimes randomly given a participant to have sex with. No choice on male or female.

To add, Cornelius was most certainly uncircumcised as a Roman citizen. Not something Roman’s practiced. By Levite law, for him to convert to follow the life of a Hebrew, he would have to allow himself to be circumcised by a rabbi. A painful prospect.

It is therefore safe to assume (I think) that Cornelius had some homosexual activity in his life as at least required by his station.

He also was required to put to death any political dissident in his area. Peter, as a follower of the crucified Jesus and leader of the early church movement, would have been regarded as a political dissident. Yet… Cornelius prays.

Peter receives a vision; a blanket comes down from heaven filled with all manner of creepy crawlies. The bible isn’t specific, but I can’t help but picture a blanket full of lizards, snakes, spiders, slugs, centipedes, and all other kinds of irksome things. God tells Peter “Arise, kill and eat.” Peter tells God “I’ve not eaten anything unclean” God continues to say “Do not call unclean what I have made clean.”

That’s the profound statement. “Do not call unclean what I have made clean” God tells Peter.

So Peter goes to the house of Cornelius. He meets him, a man who has likely practiced all manner of wanton sexual acts and all manner of depravities. A man who has no remorse about killing anyone. He would not be a Centurion if he did.

And Peter shares the Gospel with Cornelius… And Cornelius accepts, repents, receives the Holy Spirit, and is baptized.

At no point does Peter demand Cornelius to submit to being circumcised. As a matter of fact, Peter leaves him to study.

We don’t know how Cornelius lived his life after this experience. We don’t know if he kept the faith, we don’t know if he struggled in his walk, we don’t know if he was still mandated to temple prostitution or if he rejected it outright and went to study. We know that he was accepted into the family of God. This man who by all accounts more than likely had some if not a lot of homosexual activity in his life.

“Do not call unclean what I have made clean.”

I’ve been taught for years that God cannot love a homosexual. God cannot use a homosexual. God does not WANT a homosexual. My personal experience is quite the contrary.

At one point in my life, I was married to a deacons daughter of a local Church of the Nazarene. I admit an odd combo for a Pentecostal boy. Sadly, after the Godly marriage counseling and attempting to go through a Godly marriage… It ended, rather horrifically.

Broken and angry with God, I moved back home to Oregon from Idaho. I admittedly still regard Idaho with loathing. No offense to current residents, but my experience there was horrible. I wanted NOTHING to do with God, with church, with faith, with family values, with conservative ideals. I in fact HATED God for the things I felt he stripped me of. You see, she left me to find a “better man” and I knew she already had before it ended.

In an attempt to fill the vacuous sucking hole in my heart, I turned to a dire need to fill my carnal lust. I used to fold little Origami animals and leave them at coffee shops with my pager number on them. Geeky dorky (yet really hot) girls would call me for a get together and we’d chat… Eventually have sex.

A lot of sex…

I do not say this to brag but as a disappointment in myself, but for the stretch of a year from legal separation with my ex-wife to the finalization of my divorce, I slept with from3 to 6 girls a night. On the university campus, it can get pretty lonely for a dorky girl. A geeky guy who’s good with his hands can be very attractive. I found that when I engaged in that lifestyle, it sucked the life out of me.

I had moved in with a Lesbian friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) largely because I wanted at least one female friend that I felt I had NO chance with.

One day, I was escorting my current flavor of the evening out the front door. I kissed her good morning and goodbye and sauntered back inside to shut the sunlight out. There on the couch my friend sat as the TV played. Of all things ironic, a Latter Day Saints commercial came on. She said to me “Hey Bill, do you remember when you were a Christian leading bible studies with street kids and gamers?” “Yeah.” I said. “Were you happy then?” she asked rather demurely. “Vaguely I remember being happy.” I sighed. “Are you happy now?” she asked. “No… I can’t say that I am.”

This is the part that kills me.

“Maybe it’s time you go back to Jesus and ask him to forgive you for what you’ve been putting HIS temple through.” She rather plainly said to me.

Had it come from any of my other Christian friends… I might have said forget it… I might have said go to hell. But from my Lesbian friend, if it is was that obvious to her… It must be true.

I cannot help but love, adore, and cherish her forever for that and turning me back to Christ.

I support my Gay friends who want to live a monogamous life with one another. I will probably get a great amount of flak for saying this. I might even lose some friends for saying this. But I support the right for LBGT men and women to marry and live a happy life together in a healthy monogamous relationship. And I believe God loves them every bit as much as he loves me.

If God can forgive a man after putting his temple through that much abuse… He can forgive a man or woman anything. Anything!

God’s Peace

People I support:

Lesbian and a Christian. http://youtu.be/bdFU1lspR-s

Gay Christians in Minnesota. http://youtu.be/KL1r2-DDMSo

Gay Episcopal Priest. http://youtu.be/82xim9MzArc

Christian singer Jennifer Knapp. http://youtu.be/g2OOjo5ui40

3 time Dove Award winner Ray Boltz comes out with his new single. http://youtu.be/2X9rNkvIw2U

Lord save me from your followers trailer. http://youtu.be/8QQtfjnvdJQ

Music in my head.

River on fire by Adam Again

http://youtu.be/WycXsQFrDqM

"Can God truly forgive every sin?"

Difficult questions: “Can God truly forgive every sin?”

A lot of the difficult questions I deal with when trying to describe my faith can be summed up in just a few small questions in one batch. So, I’ll attempt to answer them one at a time.

One of the most common questions I get from many people both secular and Christian is “Do you honestly believe God forgives every sin?” My answer unequivocally has been “YES!”

Down through centuries, man has attempted to usurp the message of the Gospel by adding his or her own commentary on Jesus’s original message. Through that commentary, we have found people justifying horrible atrocities in the name of “Love”. Every few decades, we find that some “sins” become more forgivable and others move to the top of the list of unforgiveable. In the 90’s, murder ceased to be the unforgiveable sin and was quickly replaced by homosexuality as the fad sin to persecute. In the 2000 decade, homosexuality became more accepted among protestant churches and pedophilia along with adultery moved back up to the list of people God “Cannot Forgive”.

The key to remember is that these so called “unforgiveable sins” are really someone’s attempt to cover up their own insecurities and prejudices rather than face the real message of the Gospel.

There is only ONE unforgiveable sin. Mark 3:28-29 “²⁸ Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, ²⁹ but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”

So if “Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit” is the only true unforgiveable sin, then what does it really mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit?

Years ago, a misguided and ill-educated but very passionate atheist youth decided that he was fed up with Christianity. He pointed to this same passage and on YouTube created a following of people who simply stated they renounce the Holy Spirit and condemn themselves to hell. He missed the whole point of the passage. Much like people have done for centuries to justify their own means and aims, he took a bible scripture out of context.

In context, Jesus is addressing the council of Pharisees in regards to the subject of Forgiveness. Jesus states that the only unpardonable sin is to be face to face with the messiah and reject him outright. What he is addressing, is showing the learned council that they are rejecting the very being they claim to be waiting so urgently for. And that they… Alone… in rejecting the messiah is guilty of the unpardonable sin.

For some reason, I seem to trust the scholarly voice of a British accent over a deep American southern accent. Here’s a good explanation online. http://youtu.be/K9k5CmR2U40

With that in mind… If there is only one unpardonable sin, and you and I cannot commit it, shouldn’t if logic applied in context dictate that all other sins could be forgiven?

Too often, I meet people who have been hurt by others in the church largely because of the issue raised by verbally abusive members saying “God cannot forgive you!” In reality, what there really saying is “I cannot forgive you!”

The first thing I freely admit and will apologize to my Non-Christians friends for is that we forget that when we say anything, we say it as if Jesus was saying it to someone too. Everything, EVERYTHING we say, we say as if we speak for Jesus. When you say to someone “God hates sin and so do I”, you are saying to someone that God first cannot forgive their sin, because you cannot. And you are saying God hates that person too. Communication is by far more than verbal.

I’ve been reading a lot of information and watching interviews with Jeffrey Dahmer. Here is his last on camera interview. http://youtu.be/ErB0R4wlB64

Dahmer expressed remorse after his sentence and asked to speak with a minister. Roy Ratcliff from the Church of Christ responded. Dahmer repented of his actions, requested to be baptized, and began a life in prison serving out his life sentence to try and serve people as best he could. Many times he was assaulted, nearly murdered by inmates, until finally a prison inmate believing himself to be the reincarnation of Jesus beat Dahmer to death with a broomstick. All the while, Dahmer refused to recant his faith in Christ and God’s forgiveness of his sins.

Ted Bundy… Also a vicious sexual predator in his own right, repented of his actions and turned to Christ.

Here is an on camera interview with him talking about his Porn collection. http://youtu.be/jAHgJFPcOvY

What these men did was horrific and deplorable. However, they both upon gaining a faith in Christ acknowledged they had a responsibility for their actions and therefore had to serve out their sentence. They acknowledged that nothing they could do would bring back the people they murdered nor take away the grief that they inflicted on their families or the families of their victims. I don’t endorse their prior actions either. But here’s the rub, I believe and hold to wholeheartedly that God forgave them their sins.

Being forgiven of sins by God doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility you have on Earth for the sins you commit. If you rape, murder, lie, cheat, steal, covet, commit adultery, you have repercussions for each of those actions that you have to deal with. Part of a faith in Christ is letting God change your heart to deal with those actions and own them. All while he forgives the mistakes you’ve made and heal your broken heart.

Now… I freely admit, it’s pretty easy for me to sit on this ugly brown tweed couch I own and type out words like “God forgives serial killers and rapists.” But let’s change it up a bit. I believe God forgives the brothers and sisters who have wronged me as much as I believe God forgive me my mistakes. And… I am called to forgive others or I cannot be forgiven my mistakes.

Matthew 6: ¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

For those of you out there skeptically reading this article and saying “I still can’t forgive my Ex-Husband and Neither can God!” I would take a moment to re-read that above passage. If you call yourself a Christian and telling people God cannot forgive you, you are saying that God cannot forgive your own mistakes.

If I am to sum up everything this article is about, it is this. God forgives every sin. if we call ourselves Christians and no matter how difficult it may be for us to swallow the idea, we need to forgive everyone their sins. We need to embrace and bless those that hurt us and seek to do us harm. There are many ways to bless others and I’m not saying be stupid about it and let yourself be walked on (That’s another sermon entirely). I’m saying forgive those people who have wronged you, no matter how “Unforgiveable” you think their mistake might have been. God has already forgiven you your mistakes.

God’s Peace.

Music in my head:

Faith Falling? By The Awakening

http://youtu.be/xcWg61WAyFU

Origins...

What does the image “Christian Goth” strike in you? What does it mean to have both a faith in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior AND yet see the world in its entire splendor as a broken thing? Is it really all about teen angst or is it something more? Is it about community? A shared ideal? A common bond?

You see, dear readers, these are the questions that for decades now my brothers and sisters and I in the Christian Goth community have attempted to answer to the conservative church and to the secular outsiders both Christian and Non-Christian. There have been for decades those Christians who felt moved and empowered by God’s Holy Spirit to move through a particular subculture and bring the good news to an area where many felt God has either abandoned them or felt that they are completely irredeemable. Christian Punks, Metal Heads, Christian Hip Hop fans, Christian “Alternative” fans (Read as Grunge or just odd), and each of these groups has encountered a fair amount of resistance both within the subculture they are attempting to reach and by the church they felt they are supported by.

But few subcultures Christians have attempted to move through have been met with as much resistance by the church (I feel) as the Christian Goth movement.

With every step made into the very actually eclectic culture that the Goth community offers, the Church has cut strings of support leaving “God’s Army” cut off from its supply lines. In my experience, what this has created was a closet community within an already Pariah subculture.

Most Goth’s in reality care very little whether someone is a Christian, a Pagan, a Buddhist, a Satanist, a Hindu, or otherwise really so long as a fair amount of respect is applied. The Goth community largely was founded on the notion of rejecting religious abuse. Not rejecting religion, not rejecting Christianity even, but rejecting the perpetrations of verbal, sexual, and even spiritual abuse from organized religion.

Conversely, Christian Goth’s have attempted to apply a large amount of respect to the people they attempted to reach through the club scene and through events. We see ourselves as equals in the struggle to remake the world from bits of longs lost lore and treasure we find. But in our Christian perspective, we believe that no real glue holds this life together outside of God.

This Blog is going to be dedicated to my musings on just that subject. What it means to follow Christ as the light of my life, when my perception is guided largely by seeing the world through black lights.

I used to say “I see the world through coffin colored glasses.” It’s a very negative way to see the world. It is often how some Goth’s do see the world. Through the veil of the passed on and departed. Lately, I’m reviving a different and more positive statement I took back when I first donned a pair of Combat Boots and Eyeliner. I see the world covered in black light. Covered in strange colors, bizarre glows, and in that light… I see revelations that remain hidden to some. I hope to share some of those with you.

Think of it like this. Do you remember those late night news broadcasts where they take a series of black lights and light up a hotel room to show just how disgusting it really is with the lights off? Sometimes, that is how I see the world. Suddenly, the lights turn off and I am face to face with decades of unclean semen stains littering the walls and doorknobs and sheets and bathrooms of places I am standing in.

Conversely, and less disgusting a thought, I can stand in the right place and see something beautiful that some may never have seen before.

I began my foray into the Gothic Rock community early in 1992. It was really more just a buzz word that had been whispered about in my High School days of “Strange People” hanging out in coffee shops talking about philosophy and drinking coffee till dawn. “I like coffee” I said…

For a Christian Metal head, I must say I was warmly greeted by the Deathrockers I met early in those halcyon days. I was rather enamored by how well they included me in discussions and gave me tips to joining the tribe. Maybe they just thought I was cute and wanted to hit on me… I dunno.

I had felt for a number of years that I may be very well the ONLY Christian Goth. That is… Until the Internet opened up opportunities for all the rest of us to connect and share stories.

No subculture I think has totally embraced the internet quite as much as the larger Gothic Rock community. There are MILLIONS of websites dedicated to sharing band information, DIY (Do it yourself) fashion, and musing on everything from Black Lipstick to Coffee. A few among them are the Christian Goth communities.

Such as:

www.thefirstchurchofthelivingdead.com

www.christiangoth.com

www.thegotheucharist.org.uk/

http://www.godscare.com/

To name a few.

I’ve known many of them down through the years via e-mail, forum posts, and gifts we give each other. The larger Christian Goth community knew me at one time as Doctor Raven. A name I adopted early on and eventually tried to use to build a name for publishing and promoting Gothic Rock music.

I sadly had to hang that name up for a while.

Here… I plan on getting back to some of those prior unfinished musings I had on faith and life living as a Christian in this dark community.

I hope I can keep your attention.

Music in my head:

COD by Rackets & Drapes

http://youtu.be/lBfiZmdsutw

“God bless the children of the Damned.”