Sunday, February 1, 2015

A Christian Defense of Horror...


It's a blustery Sunday afternoon here in the Emerald Valley. Typically on days like this, I'm spending it watching scary movies while I feed my Tarantulas and Snakes. It's relaxing (for me) to defrost some pre-frozen rats and feed them to my anxious and hungry reptiles. Seeing my tarantulas ball up crickets into a mass, dance around them while weaving a web to hold them together, and then see them sucking on the mass until it turns into a dry ball of insect parts. Adorable little vampires they are. It's unusual, BUT NATURAL, behavior for my pets to feed this way. I just happen to be blessed with the ability to appreciate the stranger things in life that God has made.

Maybe I'm unique.

Right now, I have the movie Slither  on the tube while I sip a Cup O Noodles.  This movie is pure gross out splatter fun and zombies are just a footnote of weirdness this movie offers.  Creeping parasites that crawl into your mouth, undulating near humanoid creatures merging together, and enough slime to completely deplete the Canadian Film prop makers for an entire year (true story) of prop slime. But this movie had me thinking about the classics that it pays homage to, and in particular reminded me of the Night of the Creeps movie. Maybe it's the rather phallic slugs? ...And I wondered why Christians seem to loathe horror so much.


Ever since the "Satanic Panic" era of the early 80's, Protestant American Christians have been on a rampage to stamp out all things evil. If it doesn't look pure, sound pure, or give off a pure vibe, it is therefore evil and must be eradicated.  We judge this, not a biblical standpoint, but on our own personal aesthetics.  "I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable, therefore it must be evil." I've always wondered, in almost 27 years of being a Christian, when has our faith EVER been about being "comfortable"? When has anything about our faith been about "being pure"? 

For those unfamiliar with the Satanic Panic era, in 1973 a "Christian Comedian" named Mike Warnke wrote a book called The Satan Seller.  In it, he reported an "autobiographical account" of his induction into the ratified "Church of Satan" and how the organization practices all manner of human sacrifice and sexual abuse on people; in particular on children. The book caught on like wildfire without ANY attempt to actually investigate Mr. Warnke's claims. Cornerstone Magazine wrote an expose on the man and his fabrications. However, in his new found fame and zeal, Warnke even became a consultant for law enforcement on how to find and stop "Satanic Ritual Abusers".  

In 1992, the Federal Bureau of Investigations actually launched a full scale investigation into Warnke's and other religious leaders claims that Satanic leaders were ritually abusing people in secret meetings, killing them, and further were using Rock Music as well as Horror Movies and Role Play Games to influence young people into their covens. 


And the FBI indeed concluded that Mr. Warnke's entire body of work, was complete and total bupkiss.  He made millions off of it. 

Shamed and exposed, Warnke went into hiding and didn't come out to speak again until years later. 

Still, his legacy of lies lives on.  Christianity doesn't have a good history of researching peoples claims. I think it's high time we change that. One of those items is the nature of Cautionary tales and horror elements in our own faith. 

(Christian Deathrock act circa 2001, One of my favorite songs of theirs is this)

Of the many targets that the moral brigade saw fit to try and stamp out, was the concept of horror movies. Prior to the Satanic Panic era, horror movies were regarded as somewhat Schlocky and fun ways to entertain an audience.  The 50's and 60's took a lot with the Universal Horror monsters.  Bela Lugosi's portrayal of Dracula and Borris Karloff as Frankenstein's Creation (Frankenstein was the doctor, and true monster of the story) became some of the founding icons of American Horror. 

However, those stories draw from even older sources.  True, Dracula we can easily trace to Bram Stoker's novel and Frankenstein to the amazing Mary Shelley's writings.  But the real stories they delve into are drawn from the Cautionary Tales of old. Grimm's Fairy Tales that Grandmothers would tell their grandchildren around the old campfires.  Grisly yarns that were meant to instill a lesson and to entertain on cold winters nights.  We romanticise these tails in sanitized and cute dressed up versions today in American Animation, but if you dug deeper into the stories; the results could turn your hair white. 

(Lips as red as blood)

In the original Snow White for example, the huntsmen is ordered to kill the girl in the woods and bring back her heart in a box for the queen to eat.  Snow White does eat the poison apple, but rather than sleep, she falls dead.  The prince doesn't kiss her, in fact it's his servants moving her glass coffin that dislodges the poison apple from her throat and only then does she breathe. She in fact kills the evil jealous queen with iron shoes that were heated to red hot and strapped to her feet and she's told to dance until she dies. Source here: 

What was the moral of the story? The Cautionary tale that the adults wanted to instill into their children with such graphic disgust?  Don't let pride and vanity consume you... 

Modern American Christianity has sanitized these tales because again, if it upsets our comfort level, it's evil... 

The best horror stories are in and of themselves Cautionary Tales. They through all their scares and frights and grim horror have a moral story that they want to instill within you. 


You'd think that a series of movies with the cautionary moral tale of "Don't have premarital sex, Don't smoke pot, Don't listen to loud music, or a bad man will hunt you down and destroy you" would have gone over like Gangbusters in the Christian scene.  


One of my favorite horror movie directors and producers is Tobe Hooper.  I love the fact that the man's OVER THE TOP horror direction takes you from simple momentary fright to gripping your pillow tight in just a few frames. What I have always found interesting in each of his moves (that I've seen so far) is that the victims of the horror mess almost always begin their journey into nightmares after smoking a joint. Pot... In this instance... Becomes the cautionary tale. In Poltergeist, the family goes on a wild and frightening rampage through all manner of ghostly activities AFTER the parents light up a joint.  In Funhouse, the first victim is killed after smoking a joint. Ergo, don't do drugs or bad things will happen to you. 


One of the more obscure morality references I find stems from my all time FAVORITE horror movie, John Carpenter's remake of The Thing.  It's a dramatic and refreshed retelling of the old story "Halt, Who Goes There". A short story where a research group is confronted by an Alien Being who consumes, then replaces you.  You never, in the original story or in the movie remake, know who actually is The Thing. This alien creature has travelled the stars and consumed all manner of different creatures and in its attempt at replacing you, often takes on the aspects of others. What's the moral you ask?  Don't talk to commies! 


Now, growing up in the 80's post "Communist Police Action", you'd have thought that a movie whose moral agenda was to warn you to avoid Communists to be a big hit. You'd think that Christians wanting to keep kids in line wouldn't hesitate to take them to a movie like this. 

You'd think wrong... 

Instead, almost all horror movies are deemed uncomfortable and aesthetically displeasing and therefore "Satanic"... 

We patiently or patently ignore the horror elements of our own scripture.  Cane for example kills Abel. (Genesis Chapter 4) A fairly common Bible story.


And we instead try to modernize our own scripture into cute happy stories we don't have to be challenged by. 


In this new vision, Cain didn't kill Abel, he just spanked him for "Looking better in front of God." A couple paddle whacks and they were still buds. 

Scripture is meant to challenge us. It's meant to take us outside our comfort zone.  

For example, when Jesus touched the lepers and healed them, do you think it was just a "minor case" of leprosy? 

(Is there really a "minor case" of leprosy?)
(As an aside note, reality is FAR more horrific than any movie....) 

Touching a leper isn't SAFE because leprosy is contagious! It's a disease that in advanced stages causes all types of horrific symptoms. And yet, the person who we are told to live up to as an example, does some pretty unsafe and uncomfortable things. He touches, hugs, embraces things we reject. We are challenged to face uncomfortable situations.  

Horror, challenges us to face uncomfortable situations.  It is often that momentary brush with death that makes feel alive again.  

For the same reason we skydive, ride roller coasters, go bungee jumping, its a brush with death that excites us.  We get that much closer to death while still breathing and we relish it.  I know we relish it because there wouldn't be so many Hillsong videos set to skydiving or roller coasters

(Personally I think its a waste of a perfectly good plane)

Horror, unlike Skydiving or Bungee Jumping, doesn't require me to ACTUALLY risk my life to attempt.  I merely put in a DVD, pop some popcorn, and kick back while the show plays on.  


What I support, is the notion of a movie that gives us something just momentarily frightening to enjoy. Something that challenges our comfort zone and makes us grateful to be alive.  What I enjoy are cautionary tales that give us a good moral at the end.  

What I don't support is the new genre known as Torture Porn. 


Torture Porn is defined as a new genre of movie depicting faked graphic depictions of painful torture for shock value. 

Movies in the Torture Porn genre have very little plot and even less of a moral implication short of "Don't leave your house or a bad man will torture you."  The depictions of torture just keep getting more and more silly with each new release and there isn't anything I find genuinely frightening about Torture Porn when reality is far more grotesque. For example, the stories of Colonia Dignidad in Chile. German expatriates following a fanatic cult leader who deems himself to be the sole patriarch, all wives and children belong to and are fathered through himself alone. The graphic tortures he'd inflict on parishioners to keep children young and sexually virile are enough to turn any stomach.  But what's worse... The government of Chile would contract through this cult to torture it's political prisoners.  You can read all about it here.

It is very interesting to me that Christians who deny horror on the basis thinking that it is torture porn but we extol the virtues of The Passion of the Christ, depicting a man tortured horrifically through the entire film and we claim its both "Biblically Accurate" and "Miraculous". 



We show it on endless repeat to kids, little children, this graphic portrayal of disgusting torture.  Yet we claim that this rather unbiblical farce of a movie produced and directed by a man who believes he is above the Pope and we call it "wholesome". 

Not to diminish the sacrifice that Jesus gave on the Cross.  That's one of the key Cornerstones of Christian faith.  Rather, I would have us examine any film we are showing kids and if we determine that torture is not something kids should be shown... Maybe we shouldn't show it with a veil of "Godliness" over it either. 

My conclusion I draw is this. 

Christian's are an interesting lot of people.  NO, we are not perfect people.  If perfection were attainable then we wouldn't need the cross. However, we need to take a moment to assess what we look at as uncomfortable and challenging and recognize that not everything that fits outside our comfort zone is evil.  Sometimes, it's meant to teach us a lesson and sometimes its meant to sharpen our wits. Sometimes, its meant just to entertain.  

We, as Christians, are quick to defend books like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey calling it "Romantic"; while we fail to realize that it really isn't.  We are quick to judge and lump horror into torture, but fail to recognize the evils we ourselves are extolling into the daylight hours. Maybe it's time we try something out, just for fun, and watch something a little scary to remind us why we are still alive. 

Slither is drawing to an end, so I'll part with this. 


Music in my head:

Man Behind the Mask by Alice Cooper (A Christian)







Sunday, January 25, 2015

Christianeze Deciphered for the Common English Speaker.

One of the more common aspects of Christian Culture that I for the life of me cannot fathom is the secret language and lingo we use. We have this set of sayings that we say to each other as Christians, and we assume that everyone who professes to be a Christian also understands this.  That's one thing if its in Christian and Church only gatherings.  But what is troublesome is that we not only as Christians assume everyone who also professes to be a Christian also professes to understand our lingo, but we assume that EVERY English speaking person, typically American or Canadian, also understands our lingo.  

So we greet people, usually someone who fits the "look" of a Christian, with our lingo and expect them to understand it.  After all, America is a "Christian Nation" we say. Why shouldn't all "God Fearing Americans" understand us? If it were true, all of the populace that is born and lives in the U.S. would be professing Christians.  Apparently, not so much...  While Christianity is a major religion in the U.S., It isn't the only one. 

This presents a problem when trying to communicate with our fellow citizens when we assume that everyone must understand what we say.  

I therefore present to you translations of common Christian sayings in Christianese, the secret language of American Protestant Christianity, for you so that perhaps... We might be able to communicate better. 


We will begin with more common greetings and conversational Christianese.  Much of the conversational Christianese seems to be directed at starting a dialogue about discussing the Christian's faith. We will begin with the saying, and the subsequent Translation. 

"Have you heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ?"

Translation: I've recently experienced a new spiritual epiphany that has given me some insight and comfort.  I would like to share this with you. 

"Have you been saved by Grace?"

Translation: I've had a longstanding revelatory experience exploring my own faith and I'd like to share that with you. 

"Jesus Loves You!" 

Translation: I am attempting to share an insight that I have experienced in my life with you. 


These are often simple either greetings or conversational starters that Christians give.  Some however tend to be a bit strange if you haven't spent a great deal of time with Christians. 

"Would you like to experience the mortification of the flesh?!" 

Translation: I have had a horrific life of vice (probably around Drugs or Alcohol or Porn) and I am ashamed of it.  I have recently decided to no longer pursue that damaging life and I'd like to tell you how you too can experience the same life changing epiphany. 

Some of these sayings can be also downright hurtful. 

"You need to repent of your sins or you'll burn in hell!"

Translation: It has been instilled in my education and conversion that the "God" I am dedicating myself to serve is Vengeful, Insecure, and completely intent on hurting you and ME if you don't turn to my faith.  

Another Possible Translation: I have been told that there is an afterlife full of punishment for people who don't follow the path I'm choosing.  I am attempting to try and keep you from going there because I do care about you. 


The term "Repent" really means "To Turn Away From" a particular path or action.  Often, its one of the "Buzz Words" in Christianese that gets thrown around a lot.  

"Hates" is another one that gets bantered around a lot in Christianese conversation. 

You'll hear "God Hates Homosexuals" (Or Fags depending on how vulgar the circle gets), "God Hates Adulterers", "God Hates Spiders", you get the idea.  Almost EVERY Christian group that currently exists has a pet group that says "God Hates (Insert Item)". 


The Translation:  When I say "God Hates", What I am really saying is that I personally (or my pastor and I by proxy) find that particular practice aesthetically displeasing or disgusting. Therefore, because I HATE IT, my faith must come in line with it so that I don't feel guilty for abusing and lambasting the object of my disgust. 

Christianese isn't always a biblical concept. 


Some more common sayings. 

"Bless their (your) heart". 

Translation: I just recently told a nasty rumor about you to someone else and I am attempting to absolve myself of the guilt of gossiping about you. 

"We are a Christian Nation!" 

Translation:  (Usually found among American Christians) I am very proud of the country I live in and I want to believe that the people who founded my country have the same values I have been brought to to believe. Even if that means ignoring all the other biblical concepts that my savior taught (Feeding the poor, healing the sick, etc.) 

"Talent on loan from God!" 

Translation: I am attempting to pander to a closet market of people who I have no intention of joining myself but am happy to bilk them out of their money and their support. 

"I am ON FIRE for Jesus!"

Translation: I am filled with zeal for the newfound spiritual experience I have had. 

"I am SOLD OUT for God!"

Translation: I am dedicating myself to follow this zeal. 

"Want to come to Bible Study with me?"

Translation: We are having a gathering of people who have just had a new experience of faith and are going to read a passage from our book, The Bible, and discuss it.  We will have no one with any formal training running the gathering and we will each offer our best interpretation of the passage and adopt one of those interpretations as our own.  And we give away cookies. 

"I am filled with the Holy Spirit!" 

Translation: I am filled with zeal but also belong to one or several branches of the Pentecostal Church. 


"I'm going to pray with you." (also "Will you let me pray with you")  

Translation: I have found some comfort in sharing a moment of speaking to my God about my problems with others.  I don't wish to offend you, but I'd like to share some comfort with you in a way that I know helps. 

"I will pray for you!" 

Translation: When uttered to Non-Christians; I don't happen to like the life choices you are making or I don't feel like I can do anything to help you so I'm going to enact an action that I can take the laziest route I can take and still feel like I am doing something positive.  When uttered to other Christians; I don't feel like I can do anything for you, so I'm just going to be lazy and again take an act that will feel like I've done something even when I've not done anything at all. 

"I am giving you up to God." 

Translation: You've hurt me at some point and I'm not going to seek retribution.  Instead, I'm going to pray that God hurts you instead of me. 

"We are going to take back this city in the name of Jesus!" 

Translation: I am filled with a fanatic zeal to do something positive for my community. Even though I have no direction on how to do this. (This can be dangerous)

"We are going to pray for our city!" 

Translation: I am filled with zeal to do something positive, but I am also lazy and therefore will sit back and do nothing. 


But some of the more entertaining sayings come up when Christian or even Non-Christians date Christianese speakers. 


"(Insert Name) has the 'Gift of Singleness'!" 

Translation: He/She doesn't carry the appropriate physical aesthetic characteristics to attract a potential life partner in faith. 


"Are you a Godly Man (Woman)?"  (Often a question proposed before dating)

Translation: Do you possess the ability to speak in the same Christianese dialect that I do, while also appearing to look how I personally think a Christian looks?

"He is a Godly Man (Woman)!"

(Of course he's not a Godly man!  He has tattoos and he has his shirt off!) 

Translation: He or she looks the part of how I picture a Christian to look. A purely arbitrary judgement based on outward appearance and nothing to do with character of the person or whether they actually follow biblical ideals. 

(But only if he's also "HAWT" too!)

Break ups among Christians come with some of the WORST Christianese sayings. 

"You're not a 'Godly' enough man(woman)!"

Translation: I just found out after dating you for a few months that you are an actual human being and capable of making human mistakes.  I need therefore to end this relationship and find someone who appears to have never made any mistakes in their life.  You know, because I'm perfect and deserve someone else who is perfect. 

"I just need to concentrate on my relationship with Jesus"

Translation: I no longer think that this relationship is going to work out so I'm going to end this by saying something that makes me look VERY pious and makes you look like a heathen douche canoe. 

"I just need to guard my heart."

Translation: I secretly hate and despise you for whatever perceived slight you've given me and therefore I'm going to end this relationship by again, making myself seem pious and making you into the villain. 

Dating in Christian circles also gets strange when one struggles to find a relationship. 

(Translation: I just won't date because no one meets my ideal of perfection.)

"I kissed dating goodbye."

Translation: I genuinely struggle to find a boyfriend/girlfriend that fits my ideal of perfection so rather than continuing to hope, I'm going to embrace a fad doctrine that was invented in the 90's that eventually failed and kept hundreds of thousands of people feeling lonely and unhappy. (See "Gift of Singleness" above)


"Jesus is my boyfriend!"

Translation: I struggle to find anybody who meets my idea of perfection, therefore I'm going to adopt a stance that once again makes me appear perfectly pious and makes others appear inferior. 



One could write VOLUMES of books on the subject of Christianese sayings and what they mean. Most of the translations can be funny or even tragic.  But here are some primers on how to speak Christianese:

Blimey Cow's Take on it here:


(I lost it at "I love you like a 'Brother in Christ')

Another fun primer on Christianese


And finally, speaking English is a good thing. 



If this post has somehow struck a chord, made you ponder your speech, or made you angry... Good, that's what it's intent was.  

Christians rage about the outward image of perfection.  Some of that includes the speech we use. 

If your tired of religion and buzzwords, maybe its time to dump the culture of Christianity and start re-learning who Jesus was. 

My parting thought, as this young man so eloquently put it, is that the church is NOT a MUSEUM FOR GOOD PEOPLE.  It is a hospital for the broken.