I am a man of many flaws. I know deep down just how fractured this soul is, right down to the core of its very being. I have been a participant in many great and many… Many… Terrible things.
But in each and every instance of genuine tragedy I have been brought back to the conclusion that I can trust God and he will provide.
I have many great friends of many different faiths and all of them have asked me “How do you know God exists?” I usually tell them about my best friend.
Years ago, shortly before my eighteenth birthday, our family experienced a major tragedy. My uncle had decided to end his life. His death, and the depression surrounding it, broke us all apart. It was the first time in a long time I had felt the cloud of genuine depression cover my very being. Usually it hits me right about the point where Christmas lights go up on store shelves in September. (No seriously, Fred Meyer had them up this year just after Labor Day!)
I became consumed by the overwhelming sadness of his loss and the hopelessness that drove out his light. It almost consumed mine. There I sat in my room, holding an X-Acto knife to my wrist. Just before the plunge… I get a knock on my bedroom door. “Tony’s on the phone!” “Dude, I just felt like God was telling me to call you. Are you ok?!”
“No dude… Come get me.” I said.
We talked… I went back and had a very difficult conversation with my mother and father about the mess and my friend stood by me.
That would have been one thing… A minor incident that could have been easily dismissed.
However, a few years later I sat in the basement of my Inlaws house where I was living. I felt trapped in the state of Idaho where people hated (literally) my very existence for daring to be something more than a redneck douche bag. I had little hours in my job, no transportation save but our one car my then wife and I shared to transport us both across the state to work. I knew somehow that our marriage was failing, knew that my life wasn’t going any further in this house we lived in.
So I got out my Father-In-Laws small pistol, I loaded it, cocked it, and stuck it between my lips. Gun oil tastes horrible. Death tastes horrible. And yet… There was a ring on our phone.
“Hey man, you won’t believe this! I’m in a fire fight in the middle of Bosnia and I felt the need to call you!”
My best friend had enlisted in the Army and was stationed as a mechanic in Bosnia. His base was under attack, I could hear mortars going off in the background. He to this day swears he doesn’t remember this conversation, but he talked me down once again. I put the gun back in its case and pushed the drawer back in.
You see dear reader; I know God exists because he puts people in our lives to remind us how important we are.
And yet despite all this, despite all God has done to keep me alive through my depressing times, I still admit that I struggle in trusting him.
I’m going through a phase in my life once again where I am trusting on God’s Provision for everything I need. He has already seen fit to give me a lot already.
He has provided:
Funding for me to go back to school.
A roof over my head to sleep under.
A running car.
Food in my fridge.
A large stack of movies for my entertainment.
Furniture for me to sit on.
A warm bed to lay my head.
Treasures I have earned from passing my classes.
This computer I am typing on.
My cell phone to keep in contact with you all.
Warm (and somewhat stylish) clothes on my back.
Boots on my feet.
Money to pay my bills and provide for my daughter.
And the list could go on. When I moved in to this apartment, I knew that I was being provided for. I am trusting God to keep that up and I am reminding myself daily just how blessed I really am.
An ungrateful child might look at the blessing I was given and call it “dirty” or “seedy” or “disgusting”. I would be indeed spoiled if I stamped my foot over my ugly brown tweed couch and exclaim “That’s gross dad!” But here I sit rather contentedly knowing this was a gift from my father in heaven to rest my rather weary soul. It’s been host to many a good nap too.
I wrote a rather tongue in cheek letter to my Lord telling him about the Woman I pray he provides me with. I am trusting he does the same for my future job, my career, my life, and my daughter’s life.
God has seen me through some of the darkest times in my life. He has given me the treasure of some of the greatest friends in the world. I am resting assured he will carry me through for the rest of my days.
Music in my head:
Hold me Jesus by Rich Mullins
