One of the more common aspects of Christian Culture that I for the life of me cannot fathom is the secret language and lingo we use. We have this set of sayings that we say to each other as Christians, and we assume that everyone who professes to be a Christian also understands this. That's one thing if its in Christian and Church only gatherings. But what is troublesome is that we not only as Christians assume everyone who also professes to be a Christian also professes to understand our lingo, but we assume that EVERY English speaking person, typically American or Canadian, also understands our lingo.
So we greet people, usually someone who fits the "look" of a Christian, with our lingo and expect them to understand it. After all, America is a "Christian Nation" we say. Why shouldn't all "God Fearing Americans" understand us? If it were true, all of the populace that is born and lives in the U.S. would be professing Christians. Apparently, not so much... While Christianity is a major religion in the U.S., It isn't the only one.
This presents a problem when trying to communicate with our fellow citizens when we assume that everyone must understand what we say.
I therefore present to you translations of common Christian sayings in Christianese, the secret language of American Protestant Christianity, for you so that perhaps... We might be able to communicate better.
We will begin with more common greetings and conversational Christianese. Much of the conversational Christianese seems to be directed at starting a dialogue about discussing the Christian's faith. We will begin with the saying, and the subsequent Translation.
"Have you heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ?"
Translation: I've recently experienced a new spiritual epiphany that has given me some insight and comfort. I would like to share this with you.
"Have you been saved by Grace?"
Translation: I've had a longstanding revelatory experience exploring my own faith and I'd like to share that with you.
"Jesus Loves You!"
Translation: I am attempting to share an insight that I have experienced in my life with you.
These are often simple either greetings or conversational starters that Christians give. Some however tend to be a bit strange if you haven't spent a great deal of time with Christians.
"Would you like to experience the mortification of the flesh?!"
Translation: I have had a horrific life of vice (probably around Drugs or Alcohol or Porn) and I am ashamed of it. I have recently decided to no longer pursue that damaging life and I'd like to tell you how you too can experience the same life changing epiphany.
Some of these sayings can be also downright hurtful.
"You need to repent of your sins or you'll burn in hell!"
Translation: It has been instilled in my education and conversion that the "God" I am dedicating myself to serve is Vengeful, Insecure, and completely intent on hurting you and ME if you don't turn to my faith.
Another Possible Translation: I have been told that there is an afterlife full of punishment for people who don't follow the path I'm choosing. I am attempting to try and keep you from going there because I do care about you.
The term "Repent" really means "To Turn Away From" a particular path or action. Often, its one of the "Buzz Words" in Christianese that gets thrown around a lot.
"Hates" is another one that gets bantered around a lot in Christianese conversation.
You'll hear "God Hates Homosexuals" (Or Fags depending on how vulgar the circle gets), "God Hates Adulterers", "God Hates Spiders", you get the idea. Almost EVERY Christian group that currently exists has a pet group that says "God Hates (Insert Item)".
The Translation: When I say "God Hates", What I am really saying is that I personally (or my pastor and I by proxy) find that particular practice aesthetically displeasing or disgusting. Therefore, because I HATE IT, my faith must come in line with it so that I don't feel guilty for abusing and lambasting the object of my disgust.
Christianese isn't always a biblical concept.
Some more common sayings.
"Bless their (your) heart".
Translation: I just recently told a nasty rumor about you to someone else and I am attempting to absolve myself of the guilt of gossiping about you.
"We are a Christian Nation!"
Translation: (Usually found among American Christians) I am very proud of the country I live in and I want to believe that the people who founded my country have the same values I have been brought to to believe. Even if that means ignoring all the other biblical concepts that my savior taught (Feeding the poor, healing the sick, etc.)
"Talent on loan from God!"
Translation: I am attempting to pander to a closet market of people who I have no intention of joining myself but am happy to bilk them out of their money and their support.
"I am ON FIRE for Jesus!"
Translation: I am filled with zeal for the newfound spiritual experience I have had.
"I am SOLD OUT for God!"
Translation: I am dedicating myself to follow this zeal.
"Want to come to Bible Study with me?"
Translation: We are having a gathering of people who have just had a new experience of faith and are going to read a passage from our book, The Bible, and discuss it. We will have no one with any formal training running the gathering and we will each offer our best interpretation of the passage and adopt one of those interpretations as our own. And we give away cookies.
"I am filled with the Holy Spirit!"
Translation: I am filled with zeal but also belong to one or several branches of the Pentecostal Church.
"I'm going to pray with you." (also "Will you let me pray with you")
Translation: I have found some comfort in sharing a moment of speaking to my God about my problems with others. I don't wish to offend you, but I'd like to share some comfort with you in a way that I know helps.
"I will pray for you!"
Translation: When uttered to Non-Christians; I don't happen to like the life choices you are making or I don't feel like I can do anything to help you so I'm going to enact an action that I can take the laziest route I can take and still feel like I am doing something positive. When uttered to other Christians; I don't feel like I can do anything for you, so I'm just going to be lazy and again take an act that will feel like I've done something even when I've not done anything at all.
"I am giving you up to God."
Translation: You've hurt me at some point and I'm not going to seek retribution. Instead, I'm going to pray that God hurts you instead of me.
"We are going to take back this city in the name of Jesus!"
Translation: I am filled with a fanatic zeal to do something positive for my community. Even though I have no direction on how to do this. (This can be dangerous)
"We are going to pray for our city!"
Translation: I am filled with zeal to do something positive, but I am also lazy and therefore will sit back and do nothing.
But some of the more entertaining sayings come up when Christian or even Non-Christians date Christianese speakers.
"(Insert Name) has the 'Gift of Singleness'!"
Translation: He/She doesn't carry the appropriate physical aesthetic characteristics to attract a potential life partner in faith.
"Are you a Godly Man (Woman)?" (Often a question proposed before dating)
Translation: Do you possess the ability to speak in the same Christianese dialect that I do, while also appearing to look how I personally think a Christian looks?
"He is a Godly Man (Woman)!"
(Of course he's not a Godly man! He has tattoos and he has his shirt off!)
Translation: He or she looks the part of how I picture a Christian to look. A purely arbitrary judgement based on outward appearance and nothing to do with character of the person or whether they actually follow biblical ideals.
(But only if he's also "HAWT" too!)
Break ups among Christians come with some of the WORST Christianese sayings.
"You're not a 'Godly' enough man(woman)!"
Translation: I just found out after dating you for a few months that you are an actual human being and capable of making human mistakes. I need therefore to end this relationship and find someone who appears to have never made any mistakes in their life. You know, because I'm perfect and deserve someone else who is perfect.
"I just need to concentrate on my relationship with Jesus"
Translation: I no longer think that this relationship is going to work out so I'm going to end this by saying something that makes me look VERY pious and makes you look like a heathen douche canoe.
"I just need to guard my heart."
Translation: I secretly hate and despise you for whatever perceived slight you've given me and therefore I'm going to end this relationship by again, making myself seem pious and making you into the villain.
Dating in Christian circles also gets strange when one struggles to find a relationship.
(Translation: I just won't date because no one meets my ideal of perfection.)
"I kissed dating goodbye."
Translation: I genuinely struggle to find a boyfriend/girlfriend that fits my ideal of perfection so rather than continuing to hope, I'm going to embrace a fad doctrine that was invented in the 90's that eventually failed and kept hundreds of thousands of people feeling lonely and unhappy. (See "Gift of Singleness" above)
"Jesus is my boyfriend!"
Translation: I struggle to find anybody who meets my idea of perfection, therefore I'm going to adopt a stance that once again makes me appear perfectly pious and makes others appear inferior.
One could write VOLUMES of books on the subject of Christianese sayings and what they mean. Most of the translations can be funny or even tragic. But here are some primers on how to speak Christianese:
Blimey Cow's Take on it here:
(I lost it at "I love you like a 'Brother in Christ')
Another fun primer on Christianese
And finally, speaking English is a good thing.
If this post has somehow struck a chord, made you ponder your speech, or made you angry... Good, that's what it's intent was.
Christians rage about the outward image of perfection. Some of that includes the speech we use.
If your tired of religion and buzzwords, maybe its time to dump the culture of Christianity and start re-learning who Jesus was.
My parting thought, as this young man so eloquently put it, is that the church is NOT a MUSEUM FOR GOOD PEOPLE. It is a hospital for the broken.
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